Thursday, April 9, 2009

Can I date the Golden Ratio?

From a quantitative standpoint, I am an attractive man. So says the website Moonjee. I plugged in the above photo and it told me that I had a Golden Index of 91.4%. Moonjee supposedly applies the Golden Ratio to a picture of your face to determine how close to mathematical perfection your face is.
Shape 95.4%
Eyes 94.6%
Nose 91.8%
Lips 83.9%

Now this is nonsense. First of all, my best facial feature is, and always has been my lips. I have got some serious smoochy lips. From a Golden Ratio standpoint, we're looking B-. My nose is 91.8%. The question on whether the crook in it from being broken increased or decreased my score. My eye color is nice. Shape....I don't know.

All right, I'll be truthful. It is hard damn work looking as good as I do. I like to get together with Clive Owen and George Clooney and we just like to bitch and moan over how the ladies are always ogling us. We want to be respected for our minds, not our stunning good looks.

Seriously, I have had as many women compliment me on my handsome face as the Pittsburgh Pirates have won World Championships. The last time it happened was probably less recent than a Bucs title.

So I'm chalking this up to nonsense, or at least another example of math theory not being applicable in practice. While I'm on the site, though, I figure I'll go to the personality section of the face scan and see what Moonjee can read from my beauty:

"He is good-natured and hard-working. A known procrastinator, he often leaves things until tomorrow because it may take him a while to come to a decision."

Lucky guess. I'm on your website at 3 o'clock on a weekday. Doesn't scream dedication to my job. But yeah, that's pretty correct.

"The man is pretty conservative in his views; he likes a traditional, established lifestyle."

I don't know what this means but I don't think it's right.

"This man is talented and truly gifted, but may not be as lucky in love. In love he can have a high sex drive but tends to cheat on his loved one, seeking affairs outside of his relationships."

Being as I'm complaining about the lack of feminine interest in me, and I am pretty damn talented and gifted, I think we can establish the first sentence as correct. As to the second, I am a guy and I did enter my age which is under 110 so by definition, I have a high sex drive. As to the cheating, I don't want to discourage potential suitors perusing this website (or their sisters and best friends).

"The man is an aesthete. He likes and appreciates beautiful things around him: a river, mountain, ocean, even a painting. He trusts his feelings."

OK. Now I may be starting to believe a bit. If it said, he likes his Sunday football, a cold beer and a sofa, we could chalk this thing up to being like most mind-reading things. Make some broad generalizations and let everyone ooh and aah. But to break out the aesthete comment....there might be something going on here.

"In personal relationships he may be choosy, but his devoted friendships last a lifetime - even if he can only hold deep intimate relationships with few in his life."

This is starting to get spooky.

"He tends to be intelligent, truthful, decisive and determined."

We have officially entered the Spooky Zone.

"He can't go by a mirror without looking at his appearance."

And it all goes for naught as this one misses wider than a Scott Norwood field goal attempt (I know football, I just don't like (or watch) football).

"The man tends to be somewhat insecure or unsure of himself, but tries to raise his self-esteem by weighing his own knowledge and experience against other people's knowledge and experience."

Completely true until my mid to late twenties when I realized comparisons to others are useless. I'm still completely insecure and unsure of myself. If I had any ideas on how to raise my self-esteem, I wouldn't be insecure and unsure of myself, would I?

"Before completing a task or project, he thinks and plans things out carefully."

This is the technical term for procrastination.

I don't know. It'd be one thing if I had women knocking down my door (I'd probably believe it more if it were women mathematicians knocking down my door).

All right. Enough speculation. I'm going to put it to the test. The sexiest man alive is Clive Owen. I will not debate this. Let's see how he matches up. I'm going with this photo:

Shape 92.7%
Eyes 91.5%
Lips 83.9%
Nose 90.7%
Golden Index 89.7%

See. Utter nonsense. Clive should have a Golden Index of 1,013.4%.

Just in case, though....If you're an attractive woman, a movie producer, or someone else who appreciates my stunning good looks (and all the other tremendous aspects about me), feel free to drop me a line.


--Transfixed Ingress said...
This comment has been removed by the author.
--Transfixed Ingress said...

All right, I'll be truthful. It is hard damn work looking as good as I do. --- LMAO! and I haven't finished the article yet. To quote A.L.F. "You slay me!"